Phroth

By Andrew Cass

 Millions took to the streets in celebration after Game 7 of the World Series, but not because the Cardinals won.

 “I’m just excited that baseball season is finally over,” said Sid Ponders of Matoon, Ill.

 A recent study showed that baseball ranks 876th in a list Americans of favorite things to do- ahead of basket weaving and behind getting kicked in the groin- but because of the game’s cultural significance, Americans are required to pretend that they care about the sport for at least one month a year.

 “Baseball is basically the jazz of sports,” historian Dane Richardson said. “Nobody actually enjoys it, but we have to acknowledge its importance, no matter how awful it is.”

 “It’s such a relief that the season is over,” said FOX announcer and former big league catcher Tim McCarver. “I hate the sport more than anything else in the world. What a terrible, boring game. If you listen closely, you can tell that I haven’t actually watched a game since the early ‘90s.”   

 Office workers around the country are eager to talk about literally anything else around the water cooler.

 “Apparently Game Six was an exciting game because it featured more than 5 hits or something,” said Bradley McCormick of West Orange, N.J. “I hate it so much that I’ll do anything to change the subject. I even asked Marge from accounting how her son was doing and, given the choice, I’d rather to get hit by a car than hear about how her little Tommy is still wetting the bed as a high school sophomore.”

 Many are also excited about the possible cancelation of the basketball season, a sport the nation hasn’t cared about since Michael Jordan retired in 1998.

By Hal Dworkin, Phroth Staff Writer

Notorious terrorist and leader of Al Qaeda Osama Bin Laden came to an end yesterday when members of the United States Army stormed a cave in the mountains of Afghanistan where Bin Laden was hiding after receiving a tip from the CIA on some breakthrough evidence.

“Bin Laden got sloppy with what he was posting to Facebook,” said CIA spokesperson Rashard McMillan. “He was tagged in a series of pictures from a new recruit mixer last weekend. In one of a particularly embarrassing failed attempt at a kegstand, we noticed some familiar details of the rock formation of the cave the party was thrown in. From there is it a simple matter of organizing a strike team.”
“I told him to be careful about what he posted to Facebook, you never know who is looking at it,” said Bin Laden’s mother. “I am very disappointed in him.”

Bin Laden shocked the world six months ago when he created a Facebook page for himself and set up a twitter account, @DeathToAmerica.

“It was a necessary move for him,” said McMillan. “More and more terrorist cells have been stringing up all over the world lately and recruitment is getting harder. Al Qaeda needed to maintain an edge in appealing to today’s Arab youth. It’s not easy getting kids to blow themselves up you know.”

While Bin Laden has frequently updated his twitter account with tweets such as, “The great Satan, can’t pass universal healthcare. ROFL!” he has generally been conservative with his personal contact information, listing his current city as “you’ll never find me, nah nah nah nah nah nah nah.”

His Facebook page also says that he is interested in “young impressionable Muslim men” and that he was looking for “friendship.” Strangely his religious belief is listed as “none of your business” and his favorite quote is “an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.”

His privacy settings were also at their highest, but reportedly he will accept a friend request from anyone, including Commander of U.S. Operations in Afghanistan, General David Petraeus.

“That’s just bad form,” said McMillan.

The breakthrough shows a growing trend in the CIA using social networking sites to gather intelligence. Last week they discovered long-range ballistic missiles in North Korea after Kim Jong-il posted pictures of them in an album entitled “Ballistic Missiles. FUCK YEAH!”

-  Oct. 2010 Phroth Phollegian

2011-2012 Elections are OVER!

Congrats to:

Jen Reinheimer for Editor-in-Chief

Nicole Foley for Managing Editor….AND our NEW Jester!

Kaitlyn Gioia for Production Editor

Andrew Cass for Head Writer (he’s sort of a girl)

It’s been a great year, and it’ll be a promising future!

Thanks to everyone that came out and supported Phroth and NRT in Phroth Phest 2011! It was a great success and we had a lot of fun!

Here are some pictures from the two nights: