By Andrew Cass
Millions took to the streets in celebration after Game 7 of the World Series, but not because the Cardinals won.
“I’m just excited that baseball season is finally over,” said Sid Ponders of Matoon, Ill.
A recent study showed that baseball ranks 876th in a list Americans of favorite things to do- ahead of basket weaving and behind getting kicked in the groin- but because of the game’s cultural significance, Americans are required to pretend that they care about the sport for at least one month a year.
“Baseball is basically the jazz of sports,” historian Dane Richardson said. “Nobody actually enjoys it, but we have to acknowledge its importance, no matter how awful it is.”
“It’s such a relief that the season is over,” said FOX announcer and former big league catcher Tim McCarver. “I hate the sport more than anything else in the world. What a terrible, boring game. If you listen closely, you can tell that I haven’t actually watched a game since the early ‘90s.”
Office workers around the country are eager to talk about literally anything else around the water cooler.
“Apparently Game Six was an exciting game because it featured more than 5 hits or something,” said Bradley McCormick of West Orange, N.J. “I hate it so much that I’ll do anything to change the subject. I even asked Marge from accounting how her son was doing and, given the choice, I’d rather to get hit by a car than hear about how her little Tommy is still wetting the bed as a high school sophomore.”
Many are also excited about the possible cancelation of the basketball season, a sport the nation hasn’t cared about since Michael Jordan retired in 1998.